Dealing with conflict

[monbon]

Hello, I have never posted on this forum but I have read Dr Webb's book. I fit most of the criteria for CEN. This post is about dealing with conflict. Throughout my life I have avoided conflict with everyone. Somehow I thought it was a superhuman ability I had to quickly pin point someone's beef with me and resolve. I think many times I completely ignored how I felt about the conflict. Was I right? Justified to feel and act like that? That wasn't important as someone was cross with me therefore I had to smooth it out. Lately I have been listening to myself more, and "sticking with" conflict. I have to say, it's one of the hardest things I have ever done. When I fight with my boyfriend it feels like the bottom drops out of my world. Literally. He is emotionally very important to me so when we are not aligned I feel like he hates me and and is punishing me or rejecting me etc. Arguing with him destroys my world because I cannot stop thinking about it. I start ruminating and almost plotting a path to get out of the relationship rather than focusing on a level approach to an argument. What I find amazing is that he can hold his ground, whilst knowing his value and occasionally admit some wrong. I just writhe and squirm until I do or say something horrible and then feel guilty about that. Afterwards, I look for closeness and attention from the very person that I fought my ground with? On a given day, I would say I know I have some value but that all seems to disappear the moment conflict enters the equation. Does anyone feel like this or have any tips for dealing with conflict? Thank you.

[nevergiveup]

Oh My Gosh. seriously, you describe EXACTLY what goes on in my life. I always feel insane by the way people treat me because its so messed up and I justify it over and over because Im like I don't want to be wrong, If I am I will admit it and have no problem doing it but its like it amazes me how awful people are including my family. I feel like im surrounded by a holes all the time. Then I will start to question myself like I used to do all the time and I will start to think "how could this many people be wrong?" that sounds like a good question to ask huh? well its because im attracted to these type of people and did not realize it but I place myself and with no boundaries in these situations with these people. There are good people out there. Your boyfriend sounds like he loves you truly or trust me he would not put up with it. he must love you so much that when you say ugly things or things you feel guilty about he forgives you. You are lucky to have him. I do the same thing, I fight with everyone trying to right the wrongs. It feels like I am constantly defending my self. I self sabotage in romantic relationships to where I make it not work somehow. Its always me pulling all the problems out into the open and no one wants to deal with them but me.

[monbon]

Yes, I think you are right. He must love me. Sometimes I think of some horrible things that involve leaving him, etc...I plot out a whole plan and then he does something nice and I completely abandon it. It's like I need and escape plan because I can't tolerate difficulties or just "feelings". It's just so hard to trust what I want or what I am thinking. Sometimes I just want to run and hide in a dark wardrobe until it is all solved and no one wants anything from me. Ugg.

[Admin]

Conflict is fine, it's ok to have it The entire universe is formed through conflict. Conflict in relationships can be a really good thing. I actually really like it sometimes. I used to take a very defensive approach - like I could not appear weak, stupid, or wrong. The defensiveness was to protect the hurt inside. The scared little child that didn't like shame. The little child that was afraid to be abandoned if others found out how weak and inferior he was.

But it recent years, I've found so much value in conflict. It's about how you go into it. Don't go into conflict to win, and you'll be ok. Understand that everyone's opinions and feelings are valued and valid....even if they are wrong! Tensions begin to dissolve after conflict when both sides are respected, and it opens opportunity for resolution, even if it's unclear at the time

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